I have allways loved singing. I my first song aged 9 about how much I wanted a horse. I never got the horse but what i did get was an ignition of a spark which quickly spiraled into a love for songwriting. ever since I can remember i have sung. I used to make up theese little songs to accompany what I was doing at the time whether that be getting in the car or writing yet another pointless list. Music was a constand accompaniment to my life.
Puberty started to stirr up some very complex emotions for me not only in regards to my voice but also everything else. I became much more reserved arround singing only singing in the privacy of my bedroom. what didnt help is that my best friend at the time was also a singer meaning I was acutely aware of the difference in our voices. For years I assumed my voice was bad because I couldnt make it sound how I wanted to however more recently i have realised I had set myself an unobtainable goal. I wanted a voice that sounded like his but I was missing one vital ingredient. Testosterone.
It took me a long time to work out that was the case I went for years hating my soprano voice because I thought it was weedy even at my strongest belt. I would spend hours in tears because I assumed that I could never be a singer songwriter if this was the case. I changed my ambition several times to be something I thought I could deal with. I often felt ashamed of my goal to be a singer songwriter often equating myself with someone who really couldnt sing who was trying desparately to be the next beyonce. I have since come to the realisation it wasnt the volume or the strength I had issues with it was the pitch. sure my voice was lacking in a few areas removing a certain shakiness I get due to my binders impact on breath controll is something Im still working on today but ultimately my problem was pitch. If I'm going to be honest coming to terms with my voice is still a battle I'm fighting every day. it takes all my strength some times not to delete all my video and become a monk somewhere in the jungle or wherever monks live. I will admit geography is not my best subject.
Its part of the reason I'm so glad to see people like Kim Petras and Ryan Cassata in the music industry today I really feel if I'd had someone like me to look up to I may not have felt soo lost
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